Just Because You Think Your Better Doesn't Mean That You Are...
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Last night somewhere between 9:20 and 9:30 I was in a car accident. Some asshole either ran a stop light or jumped the gun on a light and hit the far back cornor of my car and sent me spinning out of control and I eventually flipped over a couple times before coming to a stop.
There was no way I was going over 40 but I honestly don't remember anything because I blacked out even before the car flipped. All I know is that I remember the feeling of being hit and then losing control of my car and then the next thing I know I have Virginia (my "daughter" and passenger - who thankfully is alive and ok) screaming at me to wake up and get out of the car. Then I saw the smashed in everything and the sound of my car running so I came to my senses and realized I was suspended in the air upside down by my seatbelt. Without that seatbelt I have no doubt in my mind we both would of been dead. Seriously how I walked away from that accident with only two ripped open knees and some nasty bruises on my legs and hips is beyond me.
I have no idea how long I was out because when I came back... The police were already there and my car was surrounded by people. I can't sleep at all. My body actually isn't sore, Just every cut reminds me it is there every 5 seconds and burns like hell. Virginia scraped open her arm pretty bad and such. I feel so bad. I never meant for my little girl to get hurt. I was so worried about her.
I'm going to miss that car... It was my baby for a good 3 years and now some asshole took it away and almost killed me and my precious Virginia.
I hate my life.
Friday, April 14, 2006
1:28PM - Dear LJ...
I have the greatest friends ever. Seriously. The more I see them everyday and talk to them the luckier I feel I am.
Valencia is the greatest band ever. I hope this tour goes amazing. No more bad stuff is allowed to happen. And I'm starting a donate to Georgie Fund.
I love my family.
I love my life.
My life couldn't get any better.
Oh wait I just remembered Mandy Moore's new movie comes out this Fri... IT DID GET BETTER.
So for all the fuckers that think they can bring me down from last year...
2006 IS MINE! and it loves me back :)
Oh yea... my tattoo is amazing. I'm loving it more and more everytime I look in the mirror. "Don't you know true love never dies?"
Monday, December 5, 2005
so apparently last night i got accused of talking shit about som1 for months... and i'm pretty sure... IF the name was even mentioned to me, I praised them. I don't know wtf they think I said... or who the fuck I apparently said it too. I just find it funny every God Damn thing I was accused of last night wasn't even me... and I know God damn well who it was. and She'll deny it but she's a back stabbing bitch that made her own words mine now. GOTTA LOVE GOING DOWN FOR WHAT SOME1 ELSE SAID!
I sit with this person. "I can't stand everything smelling like pot..." So she buys 489357489748 dollars worth of candles. "I'm so sick and tired of all these people coming into this apt. and smoking and then they leave." I don't say a word. "I think Aimee is getting out of hand." Me- "I guess But itz not my place to tell her what she can and can't do" "I'm not sure Aimee is gunna be at that job any longer" Oh. (Especially because I work at that job and know anything)
O wait... I said all that right. I'm so drunk all the time I don't know what I really said.
I'm not the victim here. I'm the innovent bystandar that gets attacked the second she hobbles into the fucking door.
And this was once a respectable place to be. and I'm damn respectful. So I'm sorry you couldn't handle letting me talk without you screaming over me. And then you walk away. Because if you recall that "episode" last night I'm pretty sure I just sat there and let you rip me a new asshole and when I opened my mouth when it was rightfully my turn Every sentence was bashed.
I don't need you to believe me. I don't care if you're offended when I clearly wrote "There are some who helped" and I'm also pretty sure all 3 of you went our last night and i was here by myself ONCE AGAIN so yea I'm allowed to think some people don't give a shit about me.
But this isn't about me... Its all about the fucked up bullshit you think I did... When in reality Your "sources" are saying what they really said because they aren't women enough for them to be thier own words.
I know I'm gunna have a fucking awesome day. Cuz I love dain and he's mine forever <3
Sunday, December 4, 2005
11:21AM - If you go to Stockton...
i don't give a shit about any1 at stockton anymore.
its just funny the people who aren't proclaimed to be my friends seem to take care of me more than those who are.
I mean some have helped but i'm pretty sure i'm still not cured. good to know who actually gives a shit about me... and that feels like no1
so with all that being said... i'm not gunna do anything for any1 anymore.. and last night made me realize... maybe i should just leave stockton altogether... its not like any1 would care if i left
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
12:20AM - no1 reads this shit anymore...
i think i lost one of my best friends... and i'm not sure i care... how bad does that sound? but then again... it was her fault... her b/f became more important than me anyway. and i'm sick of being second best in her life and being put down for having more than 1 friend. and it wouldn't be so bad... but she likes to remind me EVERY time we talk how "bad of a friend" i am.
i looked at a pic of my "ex" and he got really fucking ugly. what was i thinking? or not thinking?
i have a crush on two guys right now. one is a dumb crush... and i know i'm dumb for it. but its a physical attraction and i like the way he makes me feel i guess... and the other... is 374658347% b/f material. he cares about me a lot. he actually gives a shit about ME. and i'm not sure if i'm ready for a guy like that... so basically i have a crush on a brad pitt and a superman...
i hate going home... but that's where i want to be. i want sam and cat. i need them.
i need closure.
i need some1.
i need sleep.
I can't wait for Melissa to come back. She seems to be the only one who gets me here at Stockton anymore...
Sunday, November 6, 2005
I feel as tho I am missing out on everything. I've gone through this year so fucking laid back and passive and I feel as tho Time is against me and everything around me hates me.
I don't wanna drink... I don't want a boyfriend... and I don't want this shit in my life anymore.
I'm fucking up this semester. I'm fucking things up big time.
And to make things worse... I found out my daughter has a b/f through live journal.... She doesn't talk to me anymore about this things... and I guess I just miss her so fucking much its killing me. I wanna go home. I want this summer back.
Oh yea. I love when boys try to get you shitfaced and try to hook up with you. NOT HAPPENING
Thursday, September 29, 2005
4:29PM - BULL MUTHA FUCKIN SHIT
Ok since we're back in 5th grade I'll stoop to the level of "fighting" through livejournal.
I WAS A FUCKING MESS LAST NIGHT! why you may ask? well my supposed best friend was argueing with my other two roommates who i also care about A LOT. i'm the kind of chick that loves every1 and cares about people a lot. So my "friend" attacks my other 2 aptmates and starts a screaming match trash talking them and shit. so here i am in the middle of it shaking, crying, choking on my own breath... and i'm not saying a word... i choked back all my emotions and listened to them fight... finally i snapped and started screaming i can't take this shit anymore. i love each and every1 of my roomies and i can't live like this anymore. not to mention earlier in the day i puked in a walmart bathroom because i was so stressed. so then i crawl back onto aimees bed, not talking to any1 and drank a beer. i just sat there and cried. i took like 5 advil and eventually asked aimee to go outside with me. we kinda talked it off. we talked about shane and matt because through it all those two people actually make me happy. we never talked about the situation because obviously i wasn't in the right state of mind. i went downstairs with the boys and watched them play mario and then i went upstairs and passed out. i tried to talk to my roomie and she basically ignored me. so i just fell asleep.
the next morning, my aptmate tells me to read my roomies lj post. basically she called me a shitty friend because i didn't talk to her right after the fight. 1. i was depressed and crying my brains out. 2. NO1 WAS IN THE FUCKING RIGHT STATE OF MIND!. 3. i needed to get away from everything... the day, the stress, the drama. I was bashed for no reason at all. I didn't choose a side. i retreated BACK TO MY OTHER APTMATES BED BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING TV ORIGINALLY WITH THEM EVEN BEFORE THE FIGHT. i'm apparently the asshole because i care about more than 1 person in my life. last time i checked i have been accused of being too nice and caring too much about people. I'm a loud outgoing person. I always have a smile on my face... but deep inside is a tormented soul. and i hide my shit away from the world because no1 needs to here my shit and bear the weight of my regrets and faults. I'm the kind of person that cares so much about people I'll listen to them and give advice and hold them til they feel better and not give a shit about myself. Some say thats a character flaw and I should let things out... but thats not me... i don't want to bother people with my problems... you know itz like i'm looking out for every1 around me because i never want any1 to feel sad... and my life is one big fucking sad story...
Back to the situation at hand... When I woke up this morning my roomie walked by me and din't look at me, say a word, or smile. She walked by me aqnd went into the room and slammed the door. thats when i knew this shit went to far. i have no reason to appoligize. i DID NOTHING WRONG BESIDES STAY OUT OF A SITUATION THAT I WASN'T A PART OF IN THE FIRST PLACE! I don't care if you hate every1 in teh fucking world that has hurt you but i didn't even do that but avoid a situation that i wasn't involved in.
So now she has decided to move out, and I'm not gunna stop her. the line is drawn when you start trashing me and accusing me of being a horrible friend. i know damn well i'm a fucking amazing friend. 99% of the people i know agree with that statement. but if you wnat to walk away from a situation without talking to me at all and end what used to be an amazing friendship then fuck it. fuck me. fuck life. and MAJOR FUCK YOU.
this is me walking away. this is me bearing my heart and soul. this is me dripping tears onto a keyboard i do not call my own. this is me so fucking utterly depressed i honestly wish i was fucking dead. this is me baby... this is me.
Wednesday, September 7, 2005
9:44AM - Blah...
I'm not sure I know what to feel about anything anymore. I'm not sure if I want any1 to know what I really feel. And it has come to the point that I really am finally starting to see the people that are using me... cuz I guess I am a great fucking person... Not very pretty or thin or super smart but I'm the best god damn friend any1 could ever have... and at least I'm sure about that one thing.
And I can't stop thinking about him... and how all I want is him and nobody else. And I'll talk to 34873289728 other guys and hook up with whoever... but my heart says he's the only one for me because I feel like he is the only guy that can/will ever understand me. and for that I guess I'm meant to love him forever... even if he'll never know or understand.
And this semester is gunna be incredibly stressful. I have 18 credits worth of classes. Calculus, Human Anatomy, Physics For Life, and Spanish 1. And the first 3 classes have labs. I am now Vice President of Stockton Entertainment Team (aka I already need to start booking an act for next semester and start up what I wanna do for Lakeside). and on top of all that in my "free time" i need a job. YAY!
Luckily the classes appear to be pretty good so far professor-wise... This guy I used to talk to is in one of my classes and decided to sit next to me... and the seats are permenant, which just adds to the excellantness of the situation. Carol will never win at anything.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Where do I start? God I wish I knew what to do with myself. I'm head over heels for my boyfriend. He;s so perfect and treats me better than any guy i have ever met and known combined. I guess I don't feel like i deserve him. I don't think i've done a damn thing right yet. I dunno... I'm crazy. I'm scared to lose him i guess cuz i depend on him to make me happy lately. I just am scared i'm gunna hurt him. fjkdnjdk I <3 you matt.
my friends are still amazing and better than ever. Sam and Jess in particular have helped me make it through a lot even tho they may not of realized it. and Jen and Aimee i really really really miss you girls!
Saturday, May 14, 2005
ok bitches i know its been a while. I'm home from school. blah blah blah. I'm a mess. my room is ompletely reorganized and clean. All my friends are slowly coming home and I couldn't be happier. I miss Julie (my old roommate) I love that girl sooo much! I miss my crew Jess, Aimee, and Jen. I miss running around like an asshole. I miss partying with Cate. I miss everything. I start work on Monday at teh bank again.
CHECK OUT MY OTHER LIVEJOURNAL ACCOUNT! It's for poetry and shit that i feel like posting. www.livejournal.com/notwhoiwishiwas comment if you wnat... i know they suck.
Friday, May 6, 2005
11:08AM - This Shit is Bananas
So here I am back home, lip ringless. I miss it alot. I've repierced it twice cuz I really don't wnat the hole to close but I guess I need to let it go. I never realized how much I was gunna miss my girls. I hated not seeing Jess every day now its gunna be a while before we see each other. I dunno. I'm worried that I'm gunna change over the summer... Hopefully for the better.
I'm looking into going a gym right now with a personal trainer. If any1 knows a good one around Jamesburg please let me know. I wanna lose 50 pounds in 4 months. God I hope it happens.
It looks as if I'm gunna be getting my job back at the bank :) And I'll be working with Pumpkin Eater Records booking tours and booking shows, and then running them. I'm pumped. I wish I could do that for the rest of my life.
I wish I was happier.
I was reading through some old emails. Particularly ones I saved from Freshman Year of Highschool. Two of them were from Seppy. Both confessing how much he was in love with me and I was the only one for him. And no matter who I was with or who he was with He'd always love me. That he wanted to be the one to make me happy because "you always look so sad". I was his "Golden Goddess". I guess it kinda bothers me that he loved me so much and I didn't go back out with him. Instead I was dating Jon and we all know how that ended. God I'm stupid...
Tuesday, May 3, 2005
10:02PM - To Those who care
Today was one of the worst days ever. I had to say goodbye to Jess. My BFFL this entire school year and I miss her already.
My phone broke for the 3rd time. HAHA. If it wasn't breaking on its own I wouldn't care. But it def. is just fucking malfunctioning w/o me doing a damn thing to it.
So I tried to start this entry kinda positive but I started to have tears stream from my eyes. So here I am crying my eyes out in front of Julie and I can't help it. My dad hates me. I don't wnat to go home. I'm not ready to feel like shit again. I'm not ready to feel lower than low. I wish I wasn't such a let down. I wish my dad loved me. I have a huge final tomorrow and I know nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I can't focus on anything. I'm sorry to who ever reads this cuz I hate to be depressing but this is my life. This is my everyday life. I think I'm just gunna stop typing andleave every1 alone. Maybe Livejournal will fuck up and not let this post at all. Maybe I won't wake up tomorrow and then I won't have to worry about moving back home....
P.S. My dad said he'd kick me out of the house if I didn't take out my lip ring. So It had to go... Makes me day.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Carzyfest was awesome... I wish half the fucking people that said they were coming showed up. I know who my true friends are. Jess and Aimee, I love you girl sooooooo fucking much. Without you I might of broken into a million pieces last night...
So last night I couldn't drink... I just thinking about the way he was acting towards me. God I wish I wasn't in love with sum1 else already... Sum1 from the past... My biggest Mistake... And no its not who most of you are thinking... surprisingly
Time to workout, then drink peace
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Ok that TOTALLYYYYYYY is me dancing.
A lil more than just stressed lately.
right now Jen, Aimee, Jess, and I are living in Apt. A-1 (as in the steak sauce) next semester. We might live off campus but we shall see... I'm not sure I can handle living 6 people in a 2 bedroom apt. that just isn't going to work for me... :/ and when i thought about it I'm really involved in BOA. It would be a pain in the ass to have to drive back and forth to meetings especially if I'm VP I'll be required to a lot more than hour meetings every Monday. Ugh I dunno... I really wanna live with my girls but i'm not sure off-campus- is for me... we'll see what it all boils down too...
CarzyFEST in 5 days!
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Saturday, April 16, 2005
I feel like I'm slowly dying and there is nothing I can do... not physically dying... more like emotionally... Every1 I care about is just disappearing and it sucks. I'm a sucker.
Today was one of those days I did nothing productive. I woke up at 12:15, ate brunch with Jess and Poopiehead, called my parents, watched robots and the pacifier, did 3 labs, and thats about it. Plus showering and I didn't even put make up on. I'm a waste of life when I'm not working.
The only thing I have left to live for is Carzyfest. I've never been so nervous about anything in my entire life. I hope I don't let myself down... I've worked so hard on this...
Tom and I are the most awesome Dominoes players ever! So what if we came in 3rd... We both learned how to play thier way that same night. Oh man we rock! <3
I'm scared to see what my dad is going to say about my lip... I wonder where I'm gunna live if he kicks me out...?
Thursday, April 14, 2005
12:18PM - I hate myself sometimes...
So here it is... 12:19 on a Thurs Afternnon. i have 6 hours until my next class and guess what I'm doing... If you guessed crying then you guessed right... I found a pic of "him" and i started crying. this whole 3.5 years of brokenhearted dreaming is killing me. and I still love him. I want no1 else but him. I wish I wouldn't get so depressed looking at a picture of him sad. He doesn't look happy at all. Its like I can see through his eyes and know he's not happy. and his away messages say it as well... I wish I could make him happy... I hate to see him sad... I wish it didn't bother/depress me so much. Fuck Love.
Tonight i'm entering myself into a dominoes Tournament so I can try and win some cash for alcohol and a cute new outfit for my show. I'm actually pretyty good at it and yes... I just really wnat some money. I need cheerleaders.... haha
CARZYFEST IN 11 DAYS!!!!
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
6:49PM - nuff said
Congratulations! You're 125 proof, with specific scores in beer (80) , wine (66), and liquor (113).
|Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.|
|My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:|
|Link: The Alcohol Knowledge Test written by hoppersplit on Ok Cupid|
Life has been pretty good to me lately. Hell I've had a few negative things happen and I'm pretty sure eveyrthing is going to work out. Carzyfest is 10000001% offical, posted everywhere, confirmed, and I couldn't be more excited. I get to see 3 AMAZING bands that I've seen play before and 2 new bands. Everyone and thier mom is coming to my show and it makes me beyond happy. I kinda like being on teh production side of things... Not as the fan, not as the merch girl, the girl booking shows, contacting bands, the whole 9 yards. It is my secret passion besides poetry... which actually has been kind of picking up. Somewhgat similar themes but a lot more mature and passionate.
So I quit BJ's to go to Boston. I had a fucking blast while I was there but now i'm $150 poorer, no job, and I have bills to pay. This is gunna be a hard month... I started taking my finals already. I'm overloaded with work and studying. 1/6 classes is finished for the semester so that is exciting and I get a lil bit more free time on my hands.
Lately I've been so busy I haven't had time to worry about being lonely... but now that I have some time... i'm beginning to think about it again. And the sad thing... I kind of have some1. We aren't offical... and we haven't "hooked up" yet... but the connection is there, the feelings are there... I'm just not ready I guess...
On a final note... Give me songs to DL I need a new updated playlist :)
CarzyFEST- Day at the Fair, Someday Never, Valencia, Whiskey Flask Revenge, and Fell Far Behind. April 25th. Richard stockton College. Lakeside Center. 7:30. $5 for Stockton Students, $7 for outsiders.
I'll be home to pick up Cat and Sam so if you want a ride... tell me now.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Oh snap its a new icon haha. I was bored. I miss Jess :(
So my show is now offically on a Monday... April 11th or 25th... I'm not sure what the offically date is gunna be but it is either one of those :)
I'm happy lately... Really happy... I got bored and decided to change my hairstyle. I emoed myself out. (Refer to the 2 new myspace pictures)
Julie is offically the best roomie ever. THANK GOD I HAVE HER! P203 dance party! <3
Life is actually good lately... No drinking, No crying... I just wish I was "sexually" content... That would be nice... Just no strings attached and no over touchy obsessive boys... Just sexual...Favors... That works lol.
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